ishmael n. daro

I came across this blog post from a few years ago listing a bunch of Demitri Martin jokes. His jokes are similar to Mitch Hedberg’s or Jimmy Carr’s in that they are just jokes. No long setup, no crappy stories, just jokes. Here’s a few of my favourites:

• “I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
• “Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants – uh oh. Bathing suit – okay. Naked – we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”
• “Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
• “A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
• “I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
• “I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.””
• “I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”

The more complete list is located here at captainpinhead.wordpress.com.