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The Sheaf is the University of Saskatchewan student newspaper. I happen to work there.

Since I’m the administrator of the Sheaf’s website, I am privy to some of the best spam the Internet has to offer. Here are a few of the funnier/more outlandish spam comments that won’t get published on thesheaf.com but still deserve their time in the sun. (Also, I know that the vast majority of spam is done by bots, but someone must write the spam to begin with, right?)

The Upset Boyfriend

So I just got a text from my girl friend that she has been having sex with another guy!!! So like any upset boy friend I have selected to share every hot video I have of her to the internet. I have downloaded the pics here: http://www.GF4Free.com/
Just search for sexyerica344, enjoy!

I have seen these spam comments before, and they are thoroughly unconvincing. It’s the old “OMG my slut grlfriend cheated on me now i gonna show you her nakid pics!!!” gambit. And to embarrass his girlfriend, he’s going to leave comments on a college newspaper’s website? Actually, the college demographic might be most likely to suspend disbelief if there’s a possibility of seeing breasts.

At Least It’s In English

Unable Requirement,appeal signal tonight variety see judge background edge before memory little part today lot side justice regulation meaning none key design tour cold terrible onto species considerable interesting magazine note male agency examination suggestion age definition distance noise explanation present tall adopt variation chairman immediate same scientific completely fill village food part existence active politics mile commercial noise afterwards myself increasingly gun beyond duty off skill guest miss past extremely derive size huge look belief they grant remove statement twice credit gas clothes engine land attack key birth doubt failure procedure

Even among professional spammers, this must count as completely asinine. It seems this person’s only strategy is to throw random words into a comment field in the hopes of someone clicking on their link (which I have not included). Maybe within this jumble of words, there’s a DaVinci Code that makes sense. “increasingly… huge… gun…”

iPhone Spam

I understand that GSM and CDMA are two different communication languages. Can the software in the iphone be altered so that it can speak CDMA language? Does it require a hardware change? Has anyone accomplished the conversion?

________________
unlock iphone

There would appear, at first, nothing out of place here, except it’s clearly just a ploy to get people to click the “unlock iphone” link at the bottom. It’s even more suspicious because the comment was left on an article with this headline: “Skateboarders demand indoor skate park in Saskatoon”

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This bizarre spam comment seems to be describing a sexual encounter between a woman and a man prone to yelling “Anal bleaching” every so often. The English skills of the spammer are also suspect.

The best lines are “Our lips melted together into Jazzer size and weight” and “Mom didn think your daughter crotch and through her blouse.” What is actually happening in the romantic story and why jazzercise gets involved is anyone’s guess.