... ishmael n. daro | article

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February 26th, 2009

Racism is no monkey business

Travis The Chimp
Travis the chimpanzee, who savagely attacked a woman in Connecticut, has made himself a posthumous celebrity.

Having once starred in an Old Navy commercial, the 200-pound primate had not been seen publically until his attack sent someone to the hospital with grievous injuries. Travis himself was eventually shot and killed by police who arrived on scene. However, before the dust had settled on Travis’s outburst, a controversy had already erupted.

The New York Post ran an editorial cartoon Feb. 18 depicting two police officers shooting an ape to death while commenting, “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.”

The cartoon sparked almost immediate outrage from New Yorkers including Al Sharpton, who decried it racist to compare President Obama to a monkey. Meanwhile, the editor-in-chief Col Allan insisted the cartoon was aimed at the recent economic legislation and the government as a whole, not the president. He has since issued a qualified apology to people who misunderstood the cartoon as veiled racism. However, he main tained that for other people who were exploiting the situation to attack the conservative paper, “no apology is due.”

One could argue that the cartoonist Sean Delonas did indeed mean to target the economic stimulus bill but the monkey comparison is so potent, he would need to be an imbecile not to know its power. Furthermore, the artist has a history of drawing offensive cartoons, specifically in relation to gay rights. One of his infamous pieces depicts a man applying for a marriage license with a sheep under his arm. This was drawn after New Jersey allowed civil unions for same-sex couples, linking homosexuality with bestiality.

Depicting black people as monkeys is not a new phenomenon. The relation is meant to suggest black people are somehow subhuman or uncivilized. Particularly after the American Civil War, propagandists tried to establish that the newly freed slaves were not as human as whites and therefore not worthy of having the same rights as white people.

By contrast, during slavery black people were depicted as simple, childlike, groveling and generally harmless in order to justify control over them. However, once they were freed, the black caricature turned into the violent, animalistic brute that has sustained itself to present day among racists.

In 1867, Reverend Buckner H. Payne published The Negro: What Is His Ethnological Status? and concluded that since black people were not descendents of Adam and Eve, they only gained passage onto Noah’sArk as “beasts” and not as fellow humans. More specifically, Payne suggested that one can “take up the monkey, and trace him … through his upward and advancing orders — baboon, ourang-outang and gorilla, up to the negro.”

This post-war depiction of black people as monkeys proved very influential. In 1900, Charles Carroll wrote the book The Negro is a Beast which made the connection much clearer: “If the White was created ‘in the image of God,’ then the Negro was made after some other model. And a glance at the Negro indicates the model; his very appearance suggests the ape.”

Racists have maintained the beastly depiction of black people since then. As recently as the 2008 presidential campaigns, t-shirts and stuffed animals depicting Obama as a monkey were available. At a rally for Sarah Palin, a man had taped an Obama sticker to the head of a monkey doll and displayed it proudly until he realized cameras were recording his racism.

The fact that people still feel comfortable making the monkey comparison in public suggests that everyone is still aware of it. So how could someone draw a cartoon that even mentions monkeys in relation to the American government without realizing the racist implications it would have for people?

To be fair to Delonas, the cartoon says some one else will have to “write” the next stimulus bill. American presidents do not write bills; they only sign them into law after Congress writes them.

But for a piece of legislation that Obama has been championing for months, it is impossible for the president not to be implicated.

Now that the story has exploded online, many people have commented on news sites to denounce the cartoon as racist while some have defended it on the grounds of free speech. After Obama’s election, many people talked about living in a post-racial world but whether that has happened is debatable.

If racism is on the decline it should be all right for a cartoonist to compare Obama to a monkey, just as many cartoonists depicted former President Bush as one. If such depictions still arouse public outrage, it could be that implied racism is in the eye of the beholder. What is racist to some is merely a neutral image to others who have not grown up with race as an important distinction among people.

Either way, as the so-called post-racial era continues, one can only hope that future readers will not even think of race when reading cartoons about monkeys. One comment on the website of the London Times seemed to be there already: “This cartoon is an insult to monkeys who played no part in drafting the stimulus bill.


Excerpt from The Negro: What is his Ethnological Status? on Google Books.

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January 16th, 2009

The strange world of competitive eating

Competitive eating often conjures images of people at a county fair, faces discoloured from having eaten a dozen pies without their hands. But competitive eating has a long and illustrious history that goes beyond estranged fathers trying to win back their children’s love by publicly humiliating themselves.

“If you have 30 hungry Neanderthals in a cave and a rabbit walks in, that is a competitive eating situation.” So says the International Federation of Competitive Eating. The IFOCE was founded in 1997 to unite the various eating competitions taking place around the world and to impose order on the gustatory world.

Like any sport, competitive eating has its heroes and champions. The most famous competitor is likely Takeru Kobayashi, a 165-pound 30-year-old from Japan. Kobayashi is a six-time world hot dog eating champion who once faced off against a 1,000-pound Kodiak bear for hot dog supremacy. Ultimately, the bear prevailed because, as his trainer said, “This bear’s really hungry.”

Other stars include the 100-pound Sonya Thomas who made her name by eating 65 hard-boiled eggs in under seven minutes. Crazy Legs Conti is an oyster eating specialist from New York, Ukrainian Oleg Zhornitskiy once ate four 32-ounce bowls of mayonnaise in eight minutes and the 420-pound American Eric Booker holds various records for candy bars, doughnuts and pumpkin pies.

The sport does not come without its risks. Although training for events is discouraged, many competitors eat enormous meals off the stage and some stretch their stomachs by drinking many gallons of water in one sitting. This can lead to water intoxication and death.

There is no strict rule against vomiting, so long as it does not touch the plate or table. There is considerable controversy over Kobayashi’s 2002 win for hot dog eating because he reportedly regurgitated some food but managed to contain it with his hands until time ran out. How eaters dispose of the massive quantities of food once competitions are over is not regulated although most professionals do not regurgitate.

The IFOCE holds many events around the United States and abroad but the organization and its competitors do not take themselves too seriously. Often wearing elaborate costumes and assuming nicknames such as The Tsunami or The Black Widow, the professional bingers draw crowds of thousands of people, eager to take in the spectacle. This interest has led to several documentaries about the sport as well as live broadcasts of competitions on ESPN.

Competitive eating is not entirely a joke. There are numerous strategies, such as dunking food in water to soften it, that are employed to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. Jaw injuries, wisdom teeth or biting one’s tongue are just as dangerous as a quarterback throwing out his arm. Most professionals eat double the daily recommended amount of calories in one 12-minute sitting. Doctors uniformly denounce the sport as dangerous.

An ongoing debate in the world of furious feeders is whether fat hinders eating by leaving the stomach less room to stretch or if an already expanded stomach gives one the advantage. Ultimately, however, it comes down to willpower. These binging behemoths fight for hundreds of thousands of dollars yearly without regards to safety or sanity, all for their chance at glory.

“People think that if you have a huge appetite, then you’ll be better at it,” Kobayashi explained to a Japanese media outlet. “But actually, it’s how you confront the food that is brought to you. You have to be mentally and psychologically prepared.”

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January 3rd, 2009

Alcohol a part of who we are

It is bizarre that so many of us start a new calendar year with hangovers. Instead of renewal and fresh starts, millions wake up on Jan. 1 each year with queasiness and headaches as the last reminders of the previous year. These last ghosts of the previous calendar are exorcised very painfully sometimes. Liquor can be a harsh mistress but for all that she hurts us, she comforts us too.

Despite the problems alcohol usage leads to, drinking has been part of humanity for as far back as the ancient Egyptians. More recently, French champagne, Russian vodka and Canadian beer have all contributed to national identities. Molson Canadian’s long running advertising campaign said it succinctly with the declaration, “I am Canadian.” Presumably, drinking beer and being a citizen are directly related to one another.

Most people have among their most interesting stories tales of mad binges, benders and brannigans. Spring break and St. Patrick’s Day are mere euphemisms for getting extremely intoxicated and the legal drinking age is the one law almost everyone has broken with glee.

Though we enter 2009 with gloomy financial outlooks, alcohol sales are better than ever. Because people like to drink when they are happy and because they can’t help but drink when they are miserable, alcohol is considered recession-proof. According to the New York Times, even prostitution, the world’s oldest profession, has seen a decline in business but our other oldest vice remains in good health.

Canadians spend $18 billion per year on alcohol and half of that is beer. As a point of reference, the Canadian military will receive $19 billion for 2009. Collectively we spend almost as much on getting drunk as the country does on defense! Quite simply, people love to drink.

Our unquenchable thirst for liquor is so strong that even prohibition laws in Canada and the U.S. didn’t stop consumption. Throughout the Roaring Twenties, bootleggers, rum-runners and moonshiners supplied Americans with the liquor they so craved and Canadians played no small part in that illegal trade. Al Capone, tommy guns and speakeasies are the lasting symbols of Prohibition. The Noble Experiment as it was called had failed miserably and by 1932 Prohibition was repealed.

Perhaps the reason we love to drink is because water just isn’t that interesting. Even Jesus found a way to turn water into wine, much to the delight of his followers one assumes. Obviously there are certain mood-altering qualities of alcohol that people enjoy but that alone would not outweigh the many problems alcohol contributes to such as traffic accidents, violence and addiction.

The real reason we allow alcohol in our lives is because we are adults and adults are allowed to do what they please to their own bodies. Sure, there are problems with hooch but think of everything we would lose if we were not close with Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan and the rest of our watery friends. Throughout history, alcohol has been both hero and villain to us and many great people have struggled with the bottle. The cultural significance of alcohol is undeniable. Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson were great drunks of their time and even world leaders such as Winston Churchill and our own John A. Macdonald were known for their affinity for old lady whiskey.

In 1737, Benjamin Franklin amassed over 200 words from around Philadelphia that described drunkenness. To say a man “has kill’d his dog” or that he has “been too free with the Creature” were just two of the many confusing ways to say that someone was sloshed, hammered, buzzed, wasted, pissed, tanked, sauced, blitzed or pie-eyed.

English probably has more words to describe being drunk than any other language around, so it may not be so strange that each year is heralded by hangovers and vomit. Hardly the new beginnings people envision the previous night when setting goals and making resolutions, but new beginnings nonetheless. At the very least, they are renewed commitments to enjoying life a little too much.

To quote the famous drinker Frank Sinatra: “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”

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October 21st, 2008

Movie theatres are like abusive boyfriends

Going to a movie theatre is a strange ritual.

Moviegoers are expected to sit in a large room with rude strangers, surrounded by the smells of butter and excess, suffer through multiple advertisements and then, graciously, watch a two hour film that has a high likelihood of being a disappointment and a waste of $10.

Yet the inconveniences of going to a theatre have not kept audiences away. Despite alternatives like cable, DVDs and the Internet, attendance and revenue have increased each year since 2000.
The theatre experience has changed over the years. Machines have increasingly replaced theatre staff and the once humble popcorn stand now offers everything short of direct injections of grease into your eyeballs. Service and nutrition aside, film quality has gone down the tube as well.

Other than the occasional No Country for Old Men, most movies made nowadays are stinkers. Furthermore, they have to be safe bets in order for studios to back them. Four of the five top earning movies of 2007 were sequels. With such an unimaginative and cowardly bunch running Hollywood, it’s a wonder we still go at all.

The decline in quality is probably linked to DVD sales. More and more often, films that bomb at the box office have a second life once they hit the shelves of retail stores. If a movie will make its money back later, studios have fewer reasons to create masterpieces. However, that still does not excuse a shitty movie.

It seems bizarre that in an age of convenience, people still line up to see movies in theatres. This year’s highest grossing film will likely be the Batman sequel, The Dark Knight. Throughout the summer, most people either saw the film or talked about seeing it. It was one of those rare occasions when there seemed an actual reason to see a movie in theatres rather than wait for the DVD or its eventual run on cable. Most movies, sadly, are thoroughly ignorable.

No matter how bad the movies or the moviegoing experience becomes, theatres will continue to be an important part of the way we take in entertainment. It is precisely the inconvenience of it all that makes us go back. Most people go through their lives with entertainment always at their fingertips. There is no waiting. Everything must happen instantly.

By contrast, movie theatres require you to pay exorbitant prices to wait in line, use filthy bathrooms and find a seat behind the tallest and loudest person in town. Even then, you wait through what seems like an hour of advertisements, previews and useless trivia before being allowed to watch the latest
Hollywood travesty.

But we like it. Like to an abusive lover, we keep returning to the theatre. The inconveniences simply make the pilgrimage more meaningful when we do see a good flick. Discussing the film with friends, complaining about someone’s cell phone and finishing off the last of the popcorn on the way home makes it all worth it.

And despite its many shortcomings, we continue to return to our friendly neighbourhood movie theatre.

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September 7th, 2008

Preparing for school

Summer has come and gone. As the daylight hours grow shorter and shorter, swimming pools get covered with tarps, barbecues say farewell to their hamburger friends and beards spontaneously sprout on faces everywhere.

Although autumn does not officially begin until Sept. 22, the start of a new school year always signifies the end of leisure and the start of another hellish year of this so-called life. The returning university student knows what to expect. Ahead lies an eight-month journey into the heart of darkness that is post-secondary education. In the coming months, as fingers slowly curl into permanent hooks from holding Bic pens and feverishly scrawling notes between cups of coffee and hurriedly prepared bologna sandwiches, many students will wonder why they did not go traveling through Europe. Better yet, why didn’t they move to Fort McMurray to cash in on the oil boom instead of juggling schoolwork, a part time job and what’s left of a social life?

First-year students may not feel this crushing existential crisis for some time, choosing instead to revel in the newly found freedom that university offers. Adult life has begun. There will be nobody looking over your shoulder and nobody telling you what to do: no attendance, no bed time and heck, all the candy you can eat! Well, perhaps that oversimplifies things too much.

However, most first-years start their university careers believing a fundamental lie. It is the sort of lie that is systematically reinforced from an early age. The lie is that university is a means to an end, that students must choose the appropriate major, receive good marks, graduate with their various degrees and start work in their chosen fields as soon as possible.

Although graduating is the ultimate goal, university is about so much more. It is a time for people to make new friends, discover their talents and limitations and find their passions in life. Oh, there are also late-night essay writing marathons, frequent sleeplessness, starvation and binge drinking to experience. After several months of university, students will be much more capable of laying out their futures. Few people know precisely what they will do with the rest of their lives, so why expect it from recent high school graduates? There are many experiences that can make one’s academic life more rewarding. Simply attending classes rather than staying home and reading the textbooks is a great start; meeting new people is easily accomplished when surrounded by them.

Joining a sport or just heading to the PAC every now and then will keep you busy and in shape. There are also numerous places to volunteer on campus (like the Sheaf) which may influence the direction of your studies and perhaps your eventual career. If your idea of university life is primarily about schoolwork, you are missing out on many wonderful opportunities. Take your studies seriously but also take your time.

Of course, there is a risk involved in taking too long to finish school: one can become the perpetual student. The perpetual student, usually male, is in his mid to late twenties, talks loudly about philosophy, drinks cheap wine and has poor hygiene. He will advocate the benefits of taking random classes to broaden your horizons and is usually working on a useless degree such as art history. You don’t want to end up being that guy either.
That guy’s a douchebag.

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September 2nd, 2008

One World, One Big Sham

With the 2008 Beijing Olympics finally over, it’s time for reflection.

Every time the Games come on, whether we want to or not, Olympic fever takes hold of the world and simply won’t let go. It’s similar to the relationship between a dog and a mailman’s pantleg. There is no escaping the constant coverage on television and the coinciding commentary in print, radio and on the Internet.

The Olympic Games themselves are entertaining to watch as the best athletes of the world perform impressive feats of strength, endurance, flexibility and skill. There are few things more exhilarating than watching someone set the world record for the 100 metre freestyle swim, especially when done in one’s underwear on a bed of chip crumbs and self-loathing.

One wonders why we care about the Olympics at all. The athletes are impressive to be sure but being the world’s best archer sounds like a fairly useless accomplishment. Getting gold for one’s trampoline skills is slightly better, perhaps impressing friends at a summer barbecue every so often. Outside of the Olympics though, when was the last time Canadians took an interest in any of these sports? Not to say that the athletes don’t deserve to compete, but our collective lack of interest shows how little of an impact the sports have.

What makes the Olympics especially unbearable is the constant refrain that the Games are showcasing the best of humanity and somehow encouraging friendship, unity and progress. The slogan for the Beijing Olympics illustrates this platitude succinctly with “One World One Dream.”

The reality is quite different from such fantasy. In preparation for the event, China imposed more censorship and surveillance within its borders than ever before. According to some estimates, up to 1.5 million people were displaced from Beijing in order to even hold the event.

The most famous controversy surrounded the torch relay leading up to the games during which Tibetan activists and sympathizers protested the Chinese occupation of Tibet. As a result of the protests, a wave of nationalism swept China. Foreign stores were boycotted, Chinese blogs flowed with indignation and massive rallies were organized. After all, this was China’s coming out party and meddling foreigners were trying to ruin the whole thing by embarrassing the country.

Incidentally, the torch relay was started in 1936 by Nazi Germany. The Nazis, being the masters of propaganda that they were, toured the Olympic torch around the world to garner publicity in preparation for the Berlin Olympics.

And in the end, isn’t that all the Olympics Games are, a shameless publicity stunt? The host country gets to tout its achievements, the corporate sponsors advertise their charity and goodwill, and the participating countries ostentatiously display their patriotism.

Meanwhile, the news media uses the event to create instant celebrities out of unknown athletes in order to sell papers and increase ratings. Truthfully, how many people knew the name Usain Bolt two months ago? Luckily, a flashy fireworks display closes the Games and everyone goes home happy. If any athletic achievements are involved, it must be purely accidental.

The Beijing Olympic Games ended up costing about $40 billion, the most any country has ever spent. Imagine the good that money could have accomplished elsewhere. How many billions is Canada prepared to spend for some fleeting glory in 2010?

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March 30th, 2008

McMarketing at its best

or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the McRib

If you’ve been watching television recently, you’ll know from the many McDonald’s commercials that the “McRib is back.” That’s right, the fabled McRib is back for a limited time, ready to clog arteries nationwide. A Google search returns thousands of results about the sandwich, many of which are fansites. Having been featured on David Letterman’s Top Ten lists and even garnering a parody episode on The Simpsons, this is one popular McSandwich that could probably get elected president if only it met the age requirements.

The mystery surrounding the sandwich starts with its ingredients. The patty is pressed pork meat that is shaped to resemble a rack of ribs. McDonald’s, seemingly aware of how weird this is, has created the fictitious Boneless Pig Farmers Association of America as part of its McRib marketing campaign. Ostensibly, it takes a sense of humour in order to explain the meat’s formation. These odd, rib-shaped, ribless patties are then slathered with barbecue sauce and served with pickles and onions.

The McRib was once a regular menu item in many parts of North America but gradually became a specialty item, reappearing every few years as a limited time offer. The reasons for this scarcity are unknown. It could be that an absurd food item such as this just isn’t sustainable over the long term; an educated people simply will not stand for such insanity. Incidentally, the perverse and often baffling nation of Germany enjoys McRib sandwiches year round. One thing is clear, however: the McRib is good for business. Loyal fans rush to restaurants and binge on McRibs before it disappears forever. And each time it disappears, others rejoice that an evil force has been vanquished. Even though McDonald’s pretends to do away with the McRib after each “farewell tour,” it’s clear that it will continue to make occasional appearances on their menu. That McRib fans and haters alike fall for this ploy each time is perplexing.

Even as I write this article, I’m mentally rearranging my week in order to accomodate a trip to the golden arches. Although I look forward to my inaugural McRib sandwich, I cringe at the thought of what it will do to my body. A look at the fast food chain’s nutrition facts, possibly referring to nutrition in a purely ironic way, shows the destructive power of the sandwich. The 580 calorie behemoth has 49 per cent of a person’s daily value of fat. Combine that with some salty fries and a sugary soda, and you’ve got a nutritionist’s nightmare. The McRib is worse than the Big Mac, the Big Xtra, and even the Quarter Pounder with Cheese, also known as the Royale with Cheese. You would have to eat six servings of cheesecake to do similar damage. Yet despite my misgivings about the McRib, I can’t wait to try one. You only live once, right? And if I develop an addiction to McRibs as many others have, I may not live much longer either.

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March 12th, 2008

Neckbeard Follies

I have seen an ugly new fashion emerge around Saskatoon, and more commonly, on campus. Scores of men are now sporting the aptly named “neckbeard” and walking among the rest of us without shame. Now, I don’t mean a full Darwin-esque beard that extends to the neck; that shit looks awesome. Rather, I oppose facial hair that is grown exclusively under the chin, often with a clean-shaven face above the grotesque mess of wiry knotted hair.


I guess my biggest problem with neckbeards is how stupid they look. I doubt neckbeards have been popular since 1850 and the fact that they’re coming back in vogue is troubling. Is it a protest beard, somehow stickin’ it to the Man? Or is the neckbeard meant to keep your neck warm during our cold Saskatchewan winters? So far the best idea I have come up with is using a neckbeard as a sort of pillow. This way one can, conceivably, nap anywhere at any time; just let your head drop onto that scratchy pillow under your chin.

I also take issue with the pathology involved in growing a neckbeard. I have occasionally let my own facial hair grow out of sheer laziness, resulting in some scruff on my neck. The discomfort alone drives a person mad since you spend most of your waking hours feverishly scratching your neck. So why someone would shave their mustache, sideburns and chin but leave this hideous forest on the neck is incomprehensible to me. It takes a certain type of insanity to willingly inflict this upon oneself. It would be equivalent to a woman shaving her legs but leaving a ring of hair around the ankles, just for fun.

According to Wikipedia, this type of facial hair can also be called a scarf, a trevor, a throatee, or a chin curtain. With the notable exception of trevor (btw, wtf?) all those names sound silly. Neckbeard can also refer to nerds “who have no sense of hygiene or grooming.” (Urban Dictionary)

If there is something magical about neckbeards that we’re missing, then neckbeards need a better PR campaign. Is there a group of women who find neckbeards irresistible? Does this irrational fashion help your flow of chi? Maybe having a neckbeard makes you part of a secret organization, like in Fight Club. Maybe all these members go around exchanging silent nods of understanding, all the while planning to blow up Starbucks and Ikea stores. 

More likely though, is that many misguided souls have been growing neckbeards because they just didn’t know any better. Well, gentlemen (and maybe some ladies) I’m going to say what we’ve all been thinking: that shit is nasty. Get rid of it.
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February 15th, 2008

Separating church and state

Last week, Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty suggested the provincial legislature should no longer recite the Lord’s Prayer before starting daily proceedings. McGuinty proposed a committee to check for possible alternatives to the Lord’s Prayer in order to reflect the diversity of the province, citing the 2006 census which shows more than one third of Ontarians having been born outside the country. The move has created passionate debate between those who favour an amendment or abolition of the prayer and others who wish to maintain the daily recitation of the Lord’s Prayer.
Wow, our governments have to pray? That was my first thought when the announcement made headlines.
There are varying rituals in legislatures across the country. PEI, New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia also recite the Lord’s Prayer. Alberta, British Columbia, and Manitoba legislatures all recite some manner of prayer before beginning a session. Quebec’s National Assembly practices a simple moment of reflection while Newfoundland and Labrador’s legislature has no ritual at all. In Ottawa, the House of Commons and Senate use a non-denominational prayer before each session.
So where does that leave the Land of Living Skies? You may be surprised to know that our provincial legislature in Saskatchewan recites a daily prayer that has remained the same since 1931. I contacted the Speaker of the Legislative Assembly to inquire about the practice. The Speaker’s office tells me that our 1931 prayer is the same prayer said in the British parliament since 1597. Talk about tradition! There also appears to be no opposition to the prayer in Regina.
Public schools have long stopped reciting the Lord’s Prayer and prayer in government should logically follow. One argument against secularization is that “Canada is a Christian nation founded on Judeo-Christian principles.” Many Aboriginals would argue this point. Another popular viewpoint is that the separation of church and state is due to immigrants who have come here wishing to impose their beliefs on the majority. Once again, this is false because the largest percentage of immigration comes from Europe; perhaps because Europeans tend not to be visible minorities, we assume most newcomers are from Africa, East Asia, or the Middle East.
According to the 2001 Census, which has the most recent information, 72% of Canadians are either Catholic or Protestant. Both of these faiths have declined in popularity since 1991 and will likely continue to do so. The census also shows Muslims at 2% while Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs and Jews each make up 1% of Canadians. By contrast, the number of non-religious Canadians has skyrocketed; 16% of Canadians are atheists and the number is likely to grow in coming years.
The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms guarantees everyone a freedom of religion. Being an atheist, I would seek to remove prayer entirely from the halls of government. I realize that a short prayer will not destroy our society but wouldn’t a moment of silence, during which MLAs can each reflect on the important tasks with which they are charged, be more inclusive than a British parliamentary prayer left over since the 1500′s? Or maybe, as the Speaker’s office claims, it’s just not an issue. Any thoughts?

The Prayer:

Present us, oh Lord, in all our doings with Thy most gracious favour and further us with Thy continual help, that in all our works begun, continued, and ended in Thee, we may glorify Thy Holy Name, and finally by Thy mercy attain everlasting life. Amen.

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September 14th, 2007

Newsflash: celebrities speak out on issues that matter

In these uncertain times it’s sometimes easy to forget all we should be thankful for. We all appreciate the food we eat, the water we drink, the medicines that keep us healthy, and the bear patrol that (despite the high taxes) keeps the bear attacks to a minimum. Those are no-brainers. Something absolutely crucial most of us forget is the generosity of our celebrities. Between making millions of dollars, spending millions of dollars, driving Lamborghinis, bathing in Cristal champagne, paying publicists and plastic surgeons, starring in sex tapes, going to rehab, and producing gems like “My Super Ex-Girlfriend”, our struggling celebrities still find time to promote charity and goodwill around the globe.

An important step in becoming a true saint is naming a foundation after yourself. The Britney Spears Foundation, for example, raises money to send kids to the Britney Spears Camp for the Performing Arts where children get the training they so desperately need in order to sing dull, over-produced, and forgettable pop songs. The Britney Spears Foundation also likes to create fun playrooms for sick kids on extended hospital stays; clearly finding the cure for Billy’s cancer isn’t as important as redecorating his hospital room. Besides, curing disease is so 80′s.

Richard Gere also has his own foundation, creatively named The Gere Foundation. Its primary goal is international awareness about Tibetan freedom. Mr. Gere was born and raised in Philadelphia and therefore has a strong connection to Tibet. Thanks to his efforts, it is believed that communist China will grant Tibet its freedom after a few more protests. Chinese president Hu Jintao has said publicly that he feels bad for being so mean to Tibet but that he feels even worse that the guy from “Pretty Woman” is angry with his government. A full conversion from communism to democracy is expected within the year.

Another actor who spreads the good word is Michael J. Fox. The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research has spent over 95 million dollars to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease. In this crazy world of ours where everyone does things for selfish reasons, it’s nice to see an actor who has absolutely nothing to benefit from Parkinson’s research spending so much time and money on the issue. Mr. Fox is a strong supporter of embryonic stem cell research since many researchers think it could lead to a Parkinson’s cure. Though there is strong opposition to stem cell advancement, Michael J. Fox has maintained his controversial position. Since Mr. Fox has no apparent bias on the matter it seems like we can trust that his intentions are noble.

There are also those who give back to the community more impulsively. Last year, Jessica Simpson received a free sports car at the MTV Movie Awards which she decided to trade in for a mini-van and donate to a Mexican orphanage. This not only showcases Jessica’s generous nature but that she is also smart with her money. Why spend your own money if you can just re-gift free stuff? It is a lesson we can all apply to our lives, especially with the holiday season approaching. Best of all, she traded the sexy sports car for a hideous minivan. Not only is this more functional, it also prevents the orphans from owning something nice for a change. This will keep them grounded. Good thinking, Jess!

Avril Lavigne is another great example of someone who just gets it. She revealed in a recent interview that “when the hurricane thing happened” she went to her closet, filled six boxes of stuff and ordered her assistant to “take it to Katrina!” Avril proves that you don’t need to know that Katrina isn’t a person in order to give her your old clothes. Let’s hope the assistant was more informed about the situation in New Orleans and that the torn jeans and studded belt actually made it to a deserving family in need.

These are only a few examples of celebrity benevolence but there are enough to write a textbook. The important lesson to take away is that people who entertain us also have important causes we should be part of. Celebrities are so much more than beautiful people who make a ton of money for minimal work. They also sing and dance and pretend to be someone else on camera. When one of these demigods takes up a cause it is our duty to pay attention and donate. And I am truly thankful for this.

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