... ishmael n. daro | facial hair

Posts tagged ‘facial hair’

April 8th, 2010

The Beard Sagas

I’ve been growing a beard since about November. It recently met the blade during a sleepless night at home. Some people stay up late and eat compulsively, create art, or write death threats to their congressmen. Me, I start chopping at hair. Here are the results.

Before:

After:

What I have learned from all this is that a) I can always fall back on a decent beard when I start balding and b) I have a pretty weak chin. Thanks, genetics.

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November 2nd, 2009

Moustaches should make a comeback

In Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, the tragic genius Victor Frankenstein unleashes an abomination of nature upon the world, ultimately destroying everything he holds dear. In time, Frankenstein’s Monster comes to hold great power over him, tormenting him endlessly. “You believe yourself miserable, but I can make you so wretched that the light of day will be hateful to you,” The Monster warns. “You are my creator, but I am your master; obey!”

I, too, have created a monster whose whims I must obey. I have grown an unsightly moustache that, despite my best efforts, I cannot destroy.

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March 12th, 2008

Neckbeard Follies

I have seen an ugly new fashion emerge around Saskatoon, and more commonly, on campus. Scores of men are now sporting the aptly named “neckbeard” and walking among the rest of us without shame. Now, I don’t mean a full Darwin-esque beard that extends to the neck; that shit looks awesome. Rather, I oppose facial hair that is grown exclusively under the chin, often with a clean-shaven face above the grotesque mess of wiry knotted hair.


I guess my biggest problem with neckbeards is how stupid they look. I doubt neckbeards have been popular since 1850 and the fact that they’re coming back in vogue is troubling. Is it a protest beard, somehow stickin’ it to the Man? Or is the neckbeard meant to keep your neck warm during our cold Saskatchewan winters? So far the best idea I have come up with is using a neckbeard as a sort of pillow. This way one can, conceivably, nap anywhere at any time; just let your head drop onto that scratchy pillow under your chin.

I also take issue with the pathology involved in growing a neckbeard. I have occasionally let my own facial hair grow out of sheer laziness, resulting in some scruff on my neck. The discomfort alone drives a person mad since you spend most of your waking hours feverishly scratching your neck. So why someone would shave their mustache, sideburns and chin but leave this hideous forest on the neck is incomprehensible to me. It takes a certain type of insanity to willingly inflict this upon oneself. It would be equivalent to a woman shaving her legs but leaving a ring of hair around the ankles, just for fun.

According to Wikipedia, this type of facial hair can also be called a scarf, a trevor, a throatee, or a chin curtain. With the notable exception of trevor (btw, wtf?) all those names sound silly. Neckbeard can also refer to nerds “who have no sense of hygiene or grooming.” (Urban Dictionary)

If there is something magical about neckbeards that we’re missing, then neckbeards need a better PR campaign. Is there a group of women who find neckbeards irresistible? Does this irrational fashion help your flow of chi? Maybe having a neckbeard makes you part of a secret organization, like in Fight Club. Maybe all these members go around exchanging silent nods of understanding, all the while planning to blow up Starbucks and Ikea stores. 

More likely though, is that many misguided souls have been growing neckbeards because they just didn’t know any better. Well, gentlemen (and maybe some ladies) I’m going to say what we’ve all been thinking: that shit is nasty. Get rid of it.
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